Hello, Welcome To "The Psychiatric Hotline".
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid-Delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.